Q: As a dad, how much control should I have over our 17-year-old son when it comes to dating?
Juli: Let’s start out with the unpleasant truth that you actually have no control over what your 17-year-old does about much of anything. If you ever had control when he was younger, those days are long gone. In fact, by trying to control his behavior, you’re likely to do more damage than good, either prompting him to rebel or impeding his maturity as a young man. So, instead, let’s use the word influence.
Your role as a parent needs to shift to one of mentor or coach, guiding your son with encouragement, advice and good questions. Hopefully, you have spent the last 17 years instilling the values in him that now shape his decisions. Although he may still respect and value your opinion on issues like dating and sexuality, his own beliefs will guide him more than yours will.
Even as he determines his own values, you still have authority regarding his behavior while he is living in your home, eating your food and driving your car. Use that authority not to be heavy-handed, but to set healthy boundaries that will both train and protect your son. For example, he should respect a reasonable curfew and show honor to the girl he dates by not putting her in compromising situations.
Recognize that an interest in girls and dating is normal for a young man his age. Talk with him about what his standards and values are. You might even ask him how involved he would like you to be in his dating relationships going forward. Express the desire to be a sounding board for him as he faces challenges and decisions in the future.
Perhaps the most important influence you can be for your son during these late teen years is to cast a vision for him. Remind your son of the character you see in him, and help him envision the husband you’d like him to be someday.
**
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery
QUESTION: Our 14-year-old granddaughter was recently staying with us. After she left, I looked at the history on our Internet browser and realized that she had been visiting porn sites and sexually explicit chat rooms. What do I do with this information?
JULI: I’m so sorry to hear about your discovery! Unfortunately, we hear stories like yours on a daily basis. Young teens, both male and female, are falling prey to Internet pornography. It represents a lethal combination of excitement and sexual curiosity that can quickly become addictive.
As difficult as it may be, I recommend that you talk to your granddaughter about what you discovered, ideally in person. It is really important that you approach her with a spirit of love and concern, wanting to help without judgment. She probably already feels a lot of shame about what she is doing. She is in over her head and doesn’t know how to stop. Offer to help her in any way that you can. Encourage her to share her struggle with her parents. If she is unwilling to tell her parents, tell her that, out of love, you will share the information with them.
Some might argue that viewing porn has become an accepted norm for teens in our culture, so why make a big deal about it? Remember, just because so many teens view pornography doesn’t make it any less dangerous to your granddaughter. It poses a serious threat to her mental health, emerging identity and future relationships. Her parents need to be involved in installing home Internet filters and helping her process what she has seen, perhaps through counseling.
**
QUESTION: Should my husband and I talk to our kids about drugs? We have a third-grader and a sixth-grader, and we’re not sure whether their schools’ drug education programs will be sufficient. But we don’t even know how to begin to broach the subject at home.
JIM: For many parents, this is a topic that’s almost as scary as the dreaded discussion about “the birds and the bees.” Nevertheless, you need to have this talk with your kids. No school program or curriculum will carry the weight of your wise counsel and example. Joseph A. Califano Jr., a former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, put it best when he said, “The severe problem of substance abuse in this country will not be solved in courtrooms or government chambers, but in living rooms and across kitchen tables.”
And yes, this ongoing dialogue should begin before your children reach adolescence. My friend Glenn Williams, who co-authored “How to Drug-Proof Your Kids” curriculum, says: “Would you wait until your child is past puberty to discuss with him the realities and responsibilities of sex? Would you wait until your child turns 16 and drives the family car onto the highway to teach him how to drive? No, of course not. And neither should you let your child get to the point of greatest vulnerability to drugs and alcohol before presenting the topic in the way you want your child to learn it.”
Our boys are both under the age of 10, so drug abuse might not be an issue in their school yet. But that day is coming sooner than my wife and I would like to think. That’s why we are seeking out resources that will help us tackle this important subject proactively. I believe it’s critical that every parent do the same. You might start by visiting focusonthefamily.com, which offers a range of helpful articles and other materials on this issue.
**
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery
Q: My wife and I have three teenage daughters and I’m dreading the drama that comes with Valentine’s Day. They are already talking about not having boyfriends for Valentine’s Day. As a father, how do I help them weather all of the focus on romance and boyfriends?
Juli: I think every woman can remember the sting of those teenage years — the highs of being in love and the lows of feeling unwanted and unloved. Valentine’s Day definitely accentuates both the highs and the lows!
I’d encourage you to reclaim Valentine’s Day to be about more than sweethearts, but about love instead. Let your daughters know how much you love them with a special dinner, a note or a little gift. They may roll their eyes, but the love you express to them will make deep deposits for them emotionally. In fact, when a dad is involved in his daughter’s life, she is less likely to fall into destructive dating relationships.
Also, challenge your daughters to think about how they can show love to others. When I was in high school, the cheerleaders sold carnations for $1 that were delivered in homeroom on Valentine’s Day. Popular kids carried around dozens of flowers while other students didn’t receive any. My senior year I decided not to mope about how many flowers I had, but to show kindness to other kids. I bought 10 carnations and had them sent anonymously to kids I knew wouldn’t receive any. Showing love to other people will boost your daughters’ self esteem and lessen the focus on their longing to be loved.
In the midst of this, don’t forget to shower your wife with love. Not only will it make her Valentine’s Day special, but also it will model for your daughters a love that’s worth waiting for!
** ** **
Q: Our New Year’s resolution was to tighten up our family budget, but we’ve already failed miserably. Honestly, we can’t even agree on what a “good budget” is supposed to look like. How can we get our act together?
Jim: At least you realize that living on a budget is important. Prior to the recession, USA Today reported that only one in five people even used a monthly budget. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling found that the number had improved to more than two in five Americans (43 percent) as of last year, but still, 56 percent of us do not use a budget at all, and as a result, many are swimming in debt.
Here are some basic guidelines for allocating your monthly expenses, courtesy of the experts at Crown Financial Ministries. The percentages are for a four-member family with an annual gross income of $130,000 or less. Net Spendable Income (NSI) is money available after charitable giving and taxes:
— 38 percent of your monthly budget toward housing.
— 15 percent toward transportation, including the purchase and maintenance of vehicles.
— 12 percent toward food.
Then, five percent of your NSI should be applied to each of the following categories:
— Debt relief
— Insurance (other than medical coverage)
— Recreation and entertainment
— Clothing
— Medical and dental expenses
— Savings
Now, these are general guidelines, and your own situation may look different. You might spend less than 38 percent on housing but more than 15 percent on transportation. You’ll also notice that the categories only add up to 95 percent, which will give you five percent of “wiggle room” as you craft your budget.
The important thing is that you allocate your money wisely in these categories, even if the percentages are slightly different. If you’re spending too much in one area, the others will suffer and you’ll go over your budget. Crafting a realistic plan and sticking with it is what a healthy budget is all about.
** ** **
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery
Q: Little kids seem to lose their tempers a lot and my own young son is no exception. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this?
Jim: You’re right that this is a common occurrence — we hear from a lot of parents who face this challenge. My own two boys have been known to engage in some epic tantrums on occasion. Often, it’s simply a matter of helping your child learn how to be more self-controlled. Author Lynne M. Thompson has developed a list of what she calls “anger busters for kids.” Here are a few of them:
— Moms and dads need to model anger management for their children. Don’t expect your kids to keep their own tempers in check if you fly off the handle every time something goes wrong. When tensions are high, parents need to take a deep breath and compose themselves.
— Show respect for your child when he or she gets mad. An angry outburst might not be appropriate, but the underlying causes for it should not be overlooked or dismissed. Try to understand why your child is frustrated.
— Identify with your child’s pain. Recall a time when you faced something difficult, and share it with your child. For example, “I remember when I was your age and I didn’t get invited to a party…”
— Do what you can to provide a cooling-off period for your child when he or she becomes angry. Read a book or go on a walk. Then, calmly discuss what happened and help your child make a plan for dealing with their anger more constructively next time.
There’s some great stuff here. Hopefully Lynne’s suggestions will bring an added measure of peace to your home as you help your son deal with his volatile emotions.
**
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery
Q: I’m expecting my second child soon and a friend gave me a book that’s supposed to help infants get on a regular sleeping schedule right away. I did a little online research and discovered this book is controversial. However, I really need something like this because my first child didn’t sleep through the night until after her first birthday! Is scheduling OK?
Juli: When it comes to scheduling sleeping and eating for infants, there are two major philosophies. There’s what we’ll call a “child-centered approach” in which the parents plan what they’re doing around the infant’s needs. They let the infant eat and sleep whenever the infant wants to and they pick up and cuddle the baby whenever he or she cries.
The second philosophy is often called “family-centered” and focuses on the baby learning to assimilate to the family’s schedule. Feedings and naptimes are scheduled, and the goal is to get the baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible. This approach sounds like the book that you mentioned.
Taken to the extreme, both of these approaches can be dangerous to the child — emotionally and, perhaps, physically. If you take the child-centered approach to the extreme, every time the baby cries, Mom is busy trying to feed, rock or calm her. This can lead to a child who doesn’t know how to self-soothe.
If you take the family-centered approach to an extreme, you run the risk of not meeting your child’s physical, medical and emotional needs. A baby’s needs change from day-to-day, week-to-week. Your pediatrician should give you some guidelines regarding your baby’s need for food and sleep based on weight and development.
I’d encourage you to use common sense in blending these two approaches together. Try to introduce some structure into your baby’s life. Loose schedules for eating and sleeping will do this. But within the structure, be sure to be responsive to your baby’s changing needs for food, sleep and comfort.
**
Q: I often read about the problems associated with letting kids watch too much TV. Certainly, there’s a lot of trash out there. But is there any research that favors letting young children watch strictly educational programming?
Jim: Offensive content is not the only reason to limit a child’s TV intake. Regardless of what they’re watching, research shows that too much TV can cause kids to struggle academically and socially.
A team of researchers from Canada and the U.S. recently released some startling findings regarding the effects of TV on toddlers. The Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine studied children’s viewing habits at age 2 1/2, and then checked in with the same kids again when they reached age 10. The study found that for every additional hour of television viewing per week at age 2, the kids experienced a 7 percent drop in classroom attention and a 6 percent drop in math skills. They were also more likely to be bullied; they exercised less, weighed more, and ate more unhealthy snacks.
The same study also confirmed previous research showing that early TV exposure undermines a child’s attention span. It also suggested that kids who spend more time watching TV and less time playing with other kids may lose valuable chances to learn social skills.
If you take this research seriously, then the bottom line is that too much TV is detrimental to young children, regardless of the content. We’d recommend getting your kids involved in other activities, far away from the TV. Turn it off whenever you can — or get rid of it altogether, as my family did two years ago!
**
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery
Q: Little kids seem to lose their tempers a lot and my own young son is no exception. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this?
Jim: You’re right that this is a common occurrence — we hear from a lot of parents who face this challenge. My own two boys have been known to engage in some epic tantrums on occasion. Often, it’s simply a matter of helping your child learn how to be more self-controlled. Author Lynne M. Thompson has developed a list of what she calls “anger busters for kids.” Here are a few of them:
— Moms and dads need to model anger management for their children. Don’t expect your kids to keep their own tempers in check if you fly off the handle every time something goes wrong. When tensions are high, parents need to take a deep breath and compose themselves.
— Show respect for your child when he or she gets mad. An angry outburst might not be appropriate, but the underlying causes for it should not be overlooked or dismissed. Try to understand why your child is frustrated.
— Identify with your child’s pain. Recall a time when you faced something difficult, and share it with your child. For example, “I remember when I was your age and I didn’t get invited to a party…”
— Do what you can to provide a cooling-off period for your child when he or she becomes angry. Read a book or go on a walk. Then, calmly discuss what happened and help your child make a plan for dealing with their anger more constructively next time.
There’s some great stuff here. Hopefully Lynne’s suggestions will bring an added measure of peace to your home as you help your son deal with his volatile emotions.
**
Q: My husband and I agree on the importance of discipline for our 2-year-old son, but our methods are different. I’m wondering if one method is better than another.
Juli: Even though your approaches vary, it’s great that you and your husband agree on the importance of discipline for your son. This is a starting point that many couples don’t share.
Practically every book on discipline emphasizes the importance of consistency. This is particularly important through the toddler years when your son’s job is to explore and test boundaries! “No” should be “no” every time you say it. Mushy boundaries can make the toddler years more exhausting than they already are.
You and your husband need to agree on what behaviors you will punish and how, in general, you will respond to bad behavior. Having said that, you and your husband don’t have to be clones; discipline is within the context of your relationship with your son. Your personality and the uniqueness of your relationship will impact discipline. For example, a mom who might be with her toddler all day long will be correcting behavior throughout the day, while dad might just deal with a big behavioral issue during the evening.
Yes, some discipline techniques are more effective, in general, with a child’s unique personality. I would recommend that you and your husband pick up a book or two on the basics of discipline (visit focusonthefamily.com for some good options). Read them together and come to an agreement on the most effective way to teach and respond to your son’s behavior. And remember, regardless of how you discipline, your son needs to know three things: Mom and Dad love him very much, Mom and Dad are on the same team, and he needs to respect both of your authority.
**
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery
Q: Our 14-year-old daughter is asking us about dating, and my husband and I have told her she’ll have to wait until she’s 16 for maturity reasons. But this doesn’t seem to satisfy her questions. Can you help? We want her to know this is about love, not control, and that we want to help protect her from sexual temptation.
Juli: Dating is one of those parenting issues that every family seems to approach differently. First, how do you define “dating”? Does it mean an exclusive relationship with a boy? Going out for actual dates? There’s a big difference between two kids who have a crush on each other and an exclusive relationship involving emotional and physical intimacy.
I’d approach this situation by normalizing your daughter’s desire to “date.” A lot of her friends are probably “dating,” and having a boyfriend may be a big aspect of popularity. It’s great to get to know the opposite gender and it’s OK to like someone. However, explain to her that a lot of the things people do in dating relationships are harmful — such as frequent breakups, sexting, or sharing too much emotionally or physically.
In addition to putting kids at risk for early sexual activity, dating in the young teen years interferes with the many healthy activities kids this age need to be doing. In fact, many kids start dating young just because they’re bored. Keep your daughter busy discovering activities that match her interests, like sports, volunteering or babysitting. Encourage her to develop healthy friendships with many peers — guys and gals — rather than focusing her attention on one individual.
Your daughter may still not be satisfied with that approach, and that’s OK. Most 14-year-olds think their parents are out of touch or too strict. We thought that about our parents, too. But in hindsight, she’ll be grateful for your protection during these early teen years.
** ** **
Q: Do you have a list of questions a father should be asking his daughter’s potential boyfriend?
Jim: I had a friend, retired from the military, who would make sure that his shotgun was prominently displayed nearby whenever a suitor came calling on his daughter. While she was getting ready, he’d sit each guy down on the couch and say something along the lines of, “My daughter is more important to me than anything. I’d go to jail for her. I expect you to treat her with the utmost respect, or you will answer to me.” One guy jumped off the couch and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to run the risk of letting you down!” and headed out the front door.
I’m not suggesting you take this approach! But you could use more subtle means to convey the same message: that while your daughter still lives under your roof, she is primarily your responsibility and you expect her to be treated with the utmost care and respect.
As for other questions, the tried-and-true “What are your intentions with my daughter?” is a good measuring stick. Try to find out what his interests are, how he’s doing in school, and what his own family is like. His answers to these questions can reveal much about how he feels about your daughter (and women in general), the degree to which he respects authority, and his own value system.
Realistically, a first-time interview is not the most effective means of evaluating a young man’s character. If he continues to pursue your daughter, invite him to spend more time with your family. That will better enable you to evaluate whether or not he’s a worthy suitor.
** ** **
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
Q: Years ago my former husband was convicted of molesting our daughter (now age 9), and his parole will be ending soon. Our children (we also have a son, age 11) haven’t seen him since 2002 and neither one remembers him. I’ve been told he’s in a good church and is doing well. I’m trying to decide if he should have any contact with our children — even letters and pictures. I’m not comfortable with this and I don’t want to risk hurting my kids again after we’ve made so much progress. But I also don’t want my kids to hate me or blame me for not letting them know their dad. What do you think?
Juli: Your situation is such a difficult one! It sounds like you’ve had to walk through a lot of pain. I can understand your hesitancy to reconnect your children with their father, even in light of the healing and growth he appears to have experienced.
The parent-child relationship is sensitive. A child is in a completely vulnerable position, trusting a parent to provide safety and love. When a parent violates that trust in such a harmful way by abusing or molesting his children, he rightfully forgoes the privilege of parenting.
As harsh as it might sound, I would discourage you from initiating contact between your children and their father right now. They’re too young to understand that dad may love them, but may not be a safe person for them to be around. Perhaps you could encourage a relationship when they’re older (late teens or early adults) and less vulnerable to being hurt by their dad. In the meantime, their safety and innocence are your top priority.
Your children may be resentful that you’re withholding from them a relationship with their father. But parents sometimes need to make difficult and unpopular decisions that are in the best interests of their kids, trusting that with time they will understand.
**
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery
QUESTION: I don’t like the way my son and his wife are raising their kids. I don’t want to interfere, but shouldn’t I have a say in what’s good for my own grandchildren?
Juli: There is an excellent chance that your son and daughter-in-law know that you have some concerns about how they’re raising your grandkids. Young parents harbor a lot of doubts of their own and quickly pick up the vibe when a close friend or relative disapproves of their parenting. Your son and his wife are likely to be more defensive and withdrawn from you the more they pick up on your concerns.
Whether or not you realize it, you potentially have a fair amount of influence in their parenting. They may even welcome your perspective and opinion — but only if they first feel safe with you.
Influence is a tricky thing. When you overreach with it, you lose it. A lot of parents and in-laws are too forceful with their opinions and unsolicited advice. This causes a young couple to distance themselves in order to ward off potential criticism.
Your greatest influence is your presence with your son, his wife and children. Even if you never mention your concerns or offer advice, the way you carry yourself, show unconditional love, and the character you model will leave a tremendous impression.
My encouragement to you is to build a trusting relationship, particularly with your daughter-in-law. Find ways that you can genuinely compliment her as a wife and mother, remembering that motherhood can, at times, be an exhausting marathon. Show her that you care about her as a person, and as difficult as it may be, let go of your concerns for now. The day will come when she is desperate for a word of advice or wisdom. She’s far more likely to seek you out if you have built a trusting relationship than if she feels threatened by your disapproval.
** ** **
QUESTION: My family recently joined a church. My elderly father has no use for religion, and he’s trying to convince my kids that they’re wasting their time. Should I prevent them from seeing their grandpa?
Jim: We’d advise that you set firm boundaries with your father and make it clear that it’s your right and responsibility to oversee your children’s spiritual growth. He doesn’t have to like the fact that they’re attending church with you, but he needs to respect your decision.
At the same time, I can empathize with your desire to maintain a good relationship with him, especially for the sake of your kids. Growing up, I didn’t have any grandparents. There’s evidence my mom and dad may have been part of the witness protection program (no joke!), and so extended family was nonexistent. I would have loved nothing more than to have someone to call “Grandma” and “Grandpa.” With that in mind, it would be tragic if you and your kids were to become estranged from your dad over this issue.
The challenge, then, is to arrive at a point of compromise. Make it clear to your dad that you love and respect him, and that you want your kids to be able to spend quality time with their grandpa. But also make it clear that you need to make your own choices as a parent, and that if he has concerns about your family’s spiritual path, he should take them up with you, not the kids. It won’t be easy, but with honesty, open communication and respect from both parties, there’s no reason your kids can’t continue to have a fun and healthy relationship with their grandpa.
** ** **
Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.
Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.
Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com
Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995
International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson
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