Just Kidding

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery

Q: I’m expecting my second child soon and a friend gave me a book that’s supposed to help infants get on a regular sleeping schedule right away. I did a little online research and discovered this book is controversial. However, I really need something like this because my first child didn’t sleep through the night until after her first birthday! Is scheduling OK?

Juli: When it comes to scheduling sleeping and eating for infants, there are two major philosophies. There’s what we’ll call a “child-centered approach” in which the parents plan what they’re doing around the infant’s needs. They let the infant eat and sleep whenever the infant wants to and they pick up and cuddle the baby whenever he or she cries.

The second philosophy is often called “family-centered” and focuses on the baby learning to assimilate to the family’s schedule. Feedings and naptimes are scheduled, and the goal is to get the baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible. This approach sounds like the book that you mentioned.

Taken to the extreme, both of these approaches can be dangerous to the child — emotionally and, perhaps, physically. If you take the child-centered approach to the extreme, every time the baby cries, Mom is busy trying to feed, rock or calm her. This can lead to a child who doesn’t know how to self-soothe.

If you take the family-centered approach to an extreme, you run the risk of not meeting your child’s physical, medical and emotional needs. A baby’s needs change from day-to-day, week-to-week. Your pediatrician should give you some guidelines regarding your baby’s need for food and sleep based on weight and development.

I’d encourage you to use common sense in blending these two approaches together. Try to introduce some structure into your baby’s life. Loose schedules for eating and sleeping will do this. But within the structure, be sure to be responsive to your baby’s changing needs for food, sleep and comfort.

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Q: I often read about the problems associated with letting kids watch too much TV. Certainly, there’s a lot of trash out there. But is there any research that favors letting young children watch strictly educational programming?

Jim: Offensive content is not the only reason to limit a child’s TV intake. Regardless of what they’re watching, research shows that too much TV can cause kids to struggle academically and socially.

A team of researchers from Canada and the U.S. recently released some startling findings regarding the effects of TV on toddlers. The Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine studied children’s viewing habits at age 2 1/2, and then checked in with the same kids again when they reached age 10. The study found that for every additional hour of television viewing per week at age 2, the kids experienced a 7 percent drop in classroom attention and a 6 percent drop in math skills. They were also more likely to be bullied; they exercised less, weighed more, and ate more unhealthy snacks.

The same study also confirmed previous research showing that early TV exposure undermines a child’s attention span. It also suggested that kids who spend more time watching TV and less time playing with other kids may lose valuable chances to learn social skills.

If you take this research seriously, then the bottom line is that too much TV is detrimental to young children, regardless of the content. We’d recommend getting your kids involved in other activities, far away from the TV. Turn it off whenever you can — or get rid of it altogether, as my family did two years ago!

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Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery

Q: Little kids seem to lose their tempers a lot and my own young son is no exception. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this?

Jim: You’re right that this is a common occurrence — we hear from a lot of parents who face this challenge. My own two boys have been known to engage in some epic tantrums on occasion. Often, it’s simply a matter of helping your child learn how to be more self-controlled. Author Lynne M. Thompson has developed a list of what she calls “anger busters for kids.” Here are a few of them:

— Moms and dads need to model anger management for their children. Don’t expect your kids to keep their own tempers in check if you fly off the handle every time something goes wrong. When tensions are high, parents need to take a deep breath and compose themselves.

— Show respect for your child when he or she gets mad. An angry outburst might not be appropriate, but the underlying causes for it should not be overlooked or dismissed. Try to understand why your child is frustrated.

— Identify with your child’s pain. Recall a time when you faced something difficult, and share it with your child. For example, “I remember when I was your age and I didn’t get invited to a party…”

— Do what you can to provide a cooling-off period for your child when he or she becomes angry. Read a book or go on a walk. Then, calmly discuss what happened and help your child make a plan for dealing with their anger more constructively next time.

There’s some great stuff here. Hopefully Lynne’s suggestions will bring an added measure of peace to your home as you help your son deal with his volatile emotions.

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Q: My husband and I agree on the importance of discipline for our 2-year-old son, but our methods are different. I’m wondering if one method is better than another.

Juli: Even though your approaches vary, it’s great that you and your husband agree on the importance of discipline for your son. This is a starting point that many couples don’t share.

Practically every book on discipline emphasizes the importance of consistency. This is particularly important through the toddler years when your son’s job is to explore and test boundaries! “No” should be “no” every time you say it. Mushy boundaries can make the toddler years more exhausting than they already are.

You and your husband need to agree on what behaviors you will punish and how, in general, you will respond to bad behavior. Having said that, you and your husband don’t have to be clones; discipline is within the context of your relationship with your son. Your personality and the uniqueness of your relationship will impact discipline. For example, a mom who might be with her toddler all day long will be correcting behavior throughout the day, while dad might just deal with a big behavioral issue during the evening.

Yes, some discipline techniques are more effective, in general, with a child’s unique personality. I would recommend that you and your husband pick up a book or two on the basics of discipline (visit focusonthefamily.com for some good options). Read them together and come to an agreement on the most effective way to teach and respond to your son’s behavior. And remember, regardless of how you discipline, your son needs to know three things: Mom and Dad love him very much, Mom and Dad are on the same team, and he needs to respect both of your authority.

**

Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery

Q: Our 14-year-old daughter is asking us about dating, and my husband and I have told her she’ll have to wait until she’s 16 for maturity reasons. But this doesn’t seem to satisfy her questions. Can you help? We want her to know this is about love, not control, and that we want to help protect her from sexual temptation.

Juli: Dating is one of those parenting issues that every family seems to approach differently. First, how do you define “dating”? Does it mean an exclusive relationship with a boy? Going out for actual dates? There’s a big difference between two kids who have a crush on each other and an exclusive relationship involving emotional and physical intimacy.

I’d approach this situation by normalizing your daughter’s desire to “date.” A lot of her friends are probably “dating,” and having a boyfriend may be a big aspect of popularity. It’s great to get to know the opposite gender and it’s OK to like someone. However, explain to her that a lot of the things people do in dating relationships are harmful — such as frequent breakups, sexting, or sharing too much emotionally or physically.

In addition to putting kids at risk for early sexual activity, dating in the young teen years interferes with the many healthy activities kids this age need to be doing. In fact, many kids start dating young just because they’re bored. Keep your daughter busy discovering activities that match her interests, like sports, volunteering or babysitting. Encourage her to develop healthy friendships with many peers — guys and gals — rather than focusing her attention on one individual.

Your daughter may still not be satisfied with that approach, and that’s OK. Most 14-year-olds think their parents are out of touch or too strict. We thought that about our parents, too. But in hindsight, she’ll be grateful for your protection during these early teen years.

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Q: Do you have a list of questions a father should be asking his daughter’s potential boyfriend?

Jim: I had a friend, retired from the military, who would make sure that his shotgun was prominently displayed nearby whenever a suitor came calling on his daughter. While she was getting ready, he’d sit each guy down on the couch and say something along the lines of, “My daughter is more important to me than anything. I’d go to jail for her. I expect you to treat her with the utmost respect, or you will answer to me.” One guy jumped off the couch and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to run the risk of letting you down!” and headed out the front door.

I’m not suggesting you take this approach! But you could use more subtle means to convey the same message: that while your daughter still lives under your roof, she is primarily your responsibility and you expect her to be treated with the utmost care and respect.

As for other questions, the tried-and-true “What are your intentions with my daughter?” is a good measuring stick. Try to find out what his interests are, how he’s doing in school, and what his own family is like. His answers to these questions can reveal much about how he feels about your daughter (and women in general), the degree to which he respects authority, and his own value system.

Realistically, a first-time interview is not the most effective means of evaluating a young man’s character. If he continues to pursue your daughter, invite him to spend more time with your family. That will better enable you to evaluate whether or not he’s a worthy suitor.

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Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

Q: Years ago my former husband was convicted of molesting our daughter (now age 9), and his parole will be ending soon. Our children (we also have a son, age 11) haven’t seen him since 2002 and neither one remembers him. I’ve been told he’s in a good church and is doing well. I’m trying to decide if he should have any contact with our children — even letters and pictures. I’m not comfortable with this and I don’t want to risk hurting my kids again after we’ve made so much progress. But I also don’t want my kids to hate me or blame me for not letting them know their dad. What do you think?

Juli: Your situation is such a difficult one! It sounds like you’ve had to walk through a lot of pain. I can understand your hesitancy to reconnect your children with their father, even in light of the healing and growth he appears to have experienced.

The parent-child relationship is sensitive. A child is in a completely vulnerable position, trusting a parent to provide safety and love. When a parent violates that trust in such a harmful way by abusing or molesting his children, he rightfully forgoes the privilege of parenting.

As harsh as it might sound, I would discourage you from initiating contact between your children and their father right now. They’re too young to understand that dad may love them, but may not be a safe person for them to be around. Perhaps you could encourage a relationship when they’re older (late teens or early adults) and less vulnerable to being hurt by their dad. In the meantime, their safety and innocence are your top priority.

Your children may be resentful that you’re withholding from them a relationship with their father. But parents sometimes need to make difficult and unpopular decisions that are in the best interests of their kids, trusting that with time they will understand.

**

Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Jim Daly and Dr. Juli Slattery

QUESTION: I don’t like the way my son and his wife are raising their kids. I don’t want to interfere, but shouldn’t I have a say in what’s good for my own grandchildren?

Juli: There is an excellent chance that your son and daughter-in-law know that you have some concerns about how they’re raising your grandkids. Young parents harbor a lot of doubts of their own and quickly pick up the vibe when a close friend or relative disapproves of their parenting. Your son and his wife are likely to be more defensive and withdrawn from you the more they pick up on your concerns.

Whether or not you realize it, you potentially have a fair amount of influence in their parenting. They may even welcome your perspective and opinion — but only if they first feel safe with you.

Influence is a tricky thing. When you overreach with it, you lose it. A lot of parents and in-laws are too forceful with their opinions and unsolicited advice. This causes a young couple to distance themselves in order to ward off potential criticism.

Your greatest influence is your presence with your son, his wife and children. Even if you never mention your concerns or offer advice, the way you carry yourself, show unconditional love, and the character you model will leave a tremendous impression.

My encouragement to you is to build a trusting relationship, particularly with your daughter-in-law. Find ways that you can genuinely compliment her as a wife and mother, remembering that motherhood can, at times, be an exhausting marathon. Show her that you care about her as a person, and as difficult as it may be, let go of your concerns for now. The day will come when she is desperate for a word of advice or wisdom. She’s far more likely to seek you out if you have built a trusting relationship than if she feels threatened by your disapproval.

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QUESTION: My family recently joined a church. My elderly father has no use for religion, and he’s trying to convince my kids that they’re wasting their time. Should I prevent them from seeing their grandpa?

Jim: We’d advise that you set firm boundaries with your father and make it clear that it’s your right and responsibility to oversee your children’s spiritual growth. He doesn’t have to like the fact that they’re attending church with you, but he needs to respect your decision.

At the same time, I can empathize with your desire to maintain a good relationship with him, especially for the sake of your kids. Growing up, I didn’t have any grandparents. There’s evidence my mom and dad may have been part of the witness protection program (no joke!), and so extended family was nonexistent. I would have loved nothing more than to have someone to call “Grandma” and “Grandpa.” With that in mind, it would be tragic if you and your kids were to become estranged from your dad over this issue.

The challenge, then, is to arrive at a point of compromise. Make it clear to your dad that you love and respect him, and that you want your kids to be able to spend quality time with their grandpa. But also make it clear that you need to make your own choices as a parent, and that if he has concerns about your family’s spiritual path, he should take them up with you, not the kids. It won’t be easy, but with honesty, open communication and respect from both parties, there’s no reason your kids can’t continue to have a fun and healthy relationship with their grandpa.

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Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family, host of the Focus on the Family radio program, and a husband and father of two.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson

QUESTION: My three-year-old can be counted on to behave like a brat whenever we are in the mall or in a restaurant. He seems to know I will not punish him there in front of other people. How should I handle this tactic?

DR. DOBSON: Let me answer you with an illustration from nature. They tell me that a raccoon can usually kill a dog if he gets him in a lake or river. He will simply pull the hound underwater until he drowns. Most other predatory animals prefer to do battle on the turf of their own choosing. So do children. If they’re going to pick a fight with Mom or Dad, they’d rather stage it in a public place, such as a supermarket or in the church foyer. They are smart enough to know that they are “safer” in front of other people. They will grab candy or speak in disrespectful ways that would never be attempted at home. Again, the most successful military generals are those who surprise the enemy in a terrain advantageous to their troops. Public facilities represent the high ground for a rambunctious preschooler.
You may be one of the parents who has fallen into the trap of creating “sanctuaries” in which the old rules aren’t enforced. It is a certainty that your strong-willed son or daughter will notice those safe zones and behave offensively and disrespectfully when there. There is something within the tougher child that almost forces him to “test the limits” in situations where the resolve of adults is in question. Therefore, I recommend that you lay out the ground rules before you enter those public arenas, making it clear that the same rules will apply. Then if he misbehaves, simply take him back to the car or around the corner and do what you would have done at home. His public behavior will improve dramatically.
** QUESTION: I have a very fussy eight-month-old baby who cries whenever I put her down. My pediatrician says she is healthy and that she cries just because she wants me to hold her all the time. I do give her a lot of attention, but I simply can’t keep her on my lap all day long. How can I make her less fussy?

DR. DOBSON: The crying of infants is an important form of communication. Through their tears we learn of their hunger, fatigue, discomfort or diaper disaster. Thus, it is important to listen to those calls for help and interpret them accordingly. On the other hand, your pediatrician is right. It is possible to create a fussy, demanding baby by rushing to pick her up every time she utters a whimper or a sigh. Infants are fully capable of learning to manipulate their parents through a process called reinforcement, whereby any behavior that produces a pleasant result will tend to recur. Thus, a healthy baby can keep her mother hopping around her nursery twelve hours a day (or night) by simply forcing air past her sandpaper larynx. To avoid this consequence, it is important to strike a balance between giving your baby the attention she needs and establishing her as a tiny dictator. Don’t be afraid to let her cry for a reasonable period of time (which is thought to be healthy for the lungs), although it is necessary to listen to the tone of her voice for the difference between random discontent and genuine distress. Most mothers learn to recognize this distinction very quickly.
When my daughter was one year of age, I used to stand out of sight at the doorway of her nursery for four or five minutes, awaiting a momentary lull in the crying before going to pick her up. By so doing, I reinforced the pauses rather than the tears. You might try the same approach.
**
Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JAMES
DOBSON INC.

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson

QUESTION: My daughter has some of the symptoms commonly associated with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but she is a very quiet child. Are some ADHD kids withdrawn and sedate?

DR. DOBSON: Yes. ADHD is not always associated with hyperactivity, especially in girls. Some of them are “dreamy” and detached. Regrettably, they are sometimes called “airheads” or “space cadets”. Such a child can sit looking at a book for forty-five minutes without reading a word. One teacher told me about a girl in her class who would lose every article of clothing that wasn’t hooked to her body. Nearly every day, the teacher would send this child back to the playground to retrieve her sweater or coat, only to have her return fifteen minutes later without it. She had forgotten what she went after. A boy or girl with that kind of distractibility would find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get home night after night with books and assignments written down, and then to complete the work and return it in the next morning.
Frankly, the “faraway” child worries me more than the one who is excessively active. She may be seen as a good little girl who just isn’t very bright, while the troublemaker is more likely to get the help he needs. He’s too irritating to ignore.
Those who are and are not hyperactive have one characteristic in common. It is distractibility. Even though they flit from one thing to another, the name attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is not quite on target. It’s better than the old term (“minimal brain damage”), but there is also misinformation in the current designation. The problem is not that these children have a short attention span. At times, they can become lost in something that greatly interests them to the point that they aren’t aware of anything going on around them. Instead, they have an insatiable need for mental stimulation during every waking moment. The moment they become bored with what they are doing, they dash off in search of the next exciting possibility.
One father told me about his four-year-old son with ADHD. He said, “If you let that kid get bored, you deserve what he’s going to do to you.” That applies to millions of children.

**
QUESTION: What are the special needs of a compliant kid — one that goes along to get along? Does he have any special needs?

DR. DOBSON: That’s a great question, and the answer is yes. When one child is a stick of dynamite and the other is an all-star sweetheart, the cooperative, gentle individual can easily be taken for granted. If there’s an unpleasant job to be done, he may be expected to do it because Mom and Dad just don’t have the energy to fight with the tiger. When it is necessary for one child to sacrifice or do without, there’s a tendency to pick the one who won’t complain as loudly. Under these circumstances, the compliant boy or girl comes out on the short end of the stick.
The consequences of such inequity should be obvious. The responsible child often becomes angry over time. He has a sense of powerlessness and resentment that simmers below the surface. He’s like the older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son told by Jesus. He didn’t rebel against his father. He stayed behind and ran the farm while his irresponsible brother squandered his money on fun and games. Who could blame him for resenting little bro? His response is typical of the compliant, hardworking sibling.
I strongly recommend that parents seek to balance the scales in dealing with the compliant child. Make sure he gets his fair share of parental attention. Help him find ways to cope with his overbearing sibling. And, within reason, give him the right to make his own decisions.
There’s nothing simple about raising kids, is there? Even the “easiest” of them needs our very best effort.
**
Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JAMES
DOBSON INC.

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson

QUESTION: We have a one-year-old daughter and we want to raise her right. I’ve heard that parents can increase the mental abilities of their children if they stimulate them properly during the early years. Is this accurate, and if so, how can I accomplish this with my baby?
DR. DOBSON: Research has shown that parents can, indeed, increase the intellectual capability of their children. This conclusion was first reached through the renowned Harvard University Preschool Project. A team of researchers led by Dr. Burton White studied young children aged eight to eighteen months over a ten-year period, hoping to discover which experiences in the early years of life contribute to the development of healthy, intelligent human beings. The results of this important study are summarized below.
a. It is increasingly clear that the origins of human competence are to be found in a critical period of development between eight and eighteen months of age. The child’s experiences during these brief months do more to influence future intellectual competence than any time before or after.
b. The single most important environmental factor in the life of the child is his or her mother. “She is on the hook,” said Dr. White, and exercises more influence on her child’s experiences than any other person or circumstance.
c. The amount of live language directed to a child (not to be confused with television, radio or overheard conversations) is vital to his or her development of fundamental linguistic, intellectual and social skills. The researchers concluded, “Providing a rich social life for a twelve- to fifteen-month-old child is the best thing you can do to guarantee a good mind.”
d. Those children who were given free access to living areas of their homes progressed much faster than those whose movements were restricted.
e. The nuclear family is the most important educational delivery system. If we are going to produce capable, healthy children, it will be by strengthening family units and by improving the interactions that occur within them.
f. The best parents were those who excelled at three key functions:
1. They were superb designers and organizers of their children’s environments.
2. They permitted their children to interrupt them for brief, thirty-second episodes, during which personal consultation, comfort, information and enthusiasm were exchanged.
3. They were firm disciplinarians while simultaneously showing great affection for their children.
Occasionally, information comes along that needs to be filed away for future reference. These findings from the Harvard University Preschool Project are that significant. You will not want to forget these six findings. I believe they hold the keys to raising healthy children.
**
COPYRIGHT 2010 JAMES
DOBSON INC.

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson

QUESTION: Is there a way I as a father can influence my daughter’s attitude toward boys? If she chooses to marry, she will need to understand men and know how to relate to them. Is that something I should be thinking about?

DR. DOBSON: You bet it is. Long before a girl finds her first real boyfriend or falls in love, her attitude toward men has been shaped quietly by her father. Why? Because the father-daughter relationship sets the stage for all future romantic involvements.
If a young woman’s father rejects her, she’ll spend her life trying to find a man who can meet the needs he never fulfilled in her heart. If he’s warm and nurturing, she’ll look for a lover to equal him. If he thinks she’s beautiful and feminine, she’ll be inclined to see herself that way. But, if he rejects her as unattractive and uninteresting, she’s likely to carry self-image problems into her adult years.
It’s also true that a woman’s relationship with her husband is significantly influenced by the way she perceived her father’s authority. If he was overbearing or capricious during her earlier years, she may precipitate power struggles with her husband throughout married life. But, if Dad blended love and discipline in a way that conveyed strength, she may be more comfortable with a give-and-take marriage characterized by mutual respect.
So much of what goes into marriage starts with the bride’s father. That’s why it behooves those of us with daughters to give our best effort to raising them properly. You are right to be thinking about that vital relationship.
**
Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JAMES
DOBSON INC.