family

Pick Your Battles With Your Teenagers Wisley

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson

QUESTION: When discussing adolescence, why do you focus your comments on parents? It’s the kids who do crazy things.

DR. DOBSON: I’m particularly concerned about idealistic and perfectionistic moms and dads who are determined to make their adolescent perform and achieve and measure up to the highest standard. In so doing, they rock a boat that is already threatened by the rapids. Perhaps another child could handle the additional turbulence, but the unsteady kid — the one who lacks common sense for a while and may even lean toward irrational behavior — could capsize if you’re not careful. Don’t unsettle his boat any more than you must!     I’m reminded of a waitress who recognized me when I came into the restaurant where she worked. She was not busy that day and wanted to talk about her twelve-year-old daughter. As a single mother, she had gone through severe struggles with the girl, whom she identified as being very strong willed.     “We have fought tooth and nail for this entire year,” she said. “It has been awful! We argue nearly every night, and most of our fights are over the same issue.”
I asked her what had caused the conflict, and she replied, “My daughter is still a little girl, but she wants to shave her legs. I feel she’s too young to be doing that, and she becomes so angry that she won’t even talk to me. This has been the worst year of our lives together.”
I looked at the waitress and said, “Lady, buy your daughter a razor!” That twelve-year-old girl was paddling into a time of life that would rock her canoe good and hard. As a single parent, Mom would soon be trying to keep this rebellious kid from getting into drugs, alcohol, sex and pregnancy, early marriage, school failure, and the possibility of running away. Truly, there would be many ravenous alligators in her river within a year or two. In that setting, it seemed unwise to make a big deal over what was essentially a nonissue. While I agreed with the mother that adolescence should not be ushered in prematurely, there were higher goals than maintaining a proper developmental timetable.
I have seen other parents fight similar battles over nonessentials, such as the purchase of a first bra for a flat-chested preadolescent girl. For goodness’ sake! If she wants it that badly, she probably needs it for social reasons. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest department store, and buy her a bra. The objective, as Charles and Andy Stanley wrote, is to keep your kids on your team. Don’t throw away your friendship over behavior that has no great moral significance. There will be plenty of real issues that require you to stand like a rock. Save your big guns for those crucial confrontations. Let me make it very clear, again, that this advice is not relevant to every teenager. The compliant kid who is doing wonderfully in school, has great friends, is disciplined in his conduct and loves his parents is not nearly so delicate. Perhaps his parents can urge him to reach even higher standards in his achievements and lifestyle.      My concern, however, is for that youngster who could go over the falls. He is intensely angry at home and is being influenced by a carload of crummy friends. Be very careful with him. Pick and choose what is worth fighting for, and settle for something less than perfection on issues that don’t really matter. Just get him through it!

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QUESTION: What would you do if you had an elementary school child in a chaotic classroom with a disorganized teacher?

DR. DOBSON: I would do everything I could to get my child reassigned to a different classroom. Some very bad habits and attitudes can develop in ten months with an incompetent teacher. Home schooling or private education might also be considered, if resources permitted.

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Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House.
COPYRIGHT 2010
JAMES DOBSON INC.

The Life Of One Extraordinary Man Is A Lesson To Others

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY with Dr. James Dobson

Question: Last time you talked about why some kids with every advantage and opportunity seem to turn out bad, while others raised in terrible homes become pillars in the community. You cited the life of David Hernandez as an example of the latter. What happened to him?

DR. DOBSON: Given this beginning, how can we explain the man that David Hernandez became? He graduated near the top of his class in high school and was granted a scholarship to college. Again, he earned high marks and four years later entered Loma Linda University School of Medicine. Once more, he scored in the top 10 percent of his class and continued in a residency in obstetrics and gynecology. Eventually, he served as a professor of OB-GYN at both Loma Linda University and the University of Southern California medical schools. Then, at the peak of his career, his life began to unravel.     I’ll never forget the day Dr. Hernandez called me on the telephone. He had just been released from the hospital following a battery of laboratory tests. The diagnosis? Sclerosing cholangitis, a liver disorder that was invariably fatal at that time. We lost this fine husband, father and friend six years later at the age of forty-three. I loved him like a brother, and I still miss him today.
Again, I ask, how could such discipline and genius come from these infertile circumstances? Who would have thought that this deprived Mexican boy sitting out there in the dirt would someday become one of the most loved and respected surgeons of his era? Where did the motivation originate? From what bubbling spring did his ambition and thirst for knowledge flow? He had no books, took no educational trips, knew no scholars. Yet he reached for the sky. Why did it happen to David Hernandez and not the youngster with every advantage and opportunity?
Why have so many children of prominent and loving parents grown up in ideal circumstances only to reject it all for the streets of Atlanta, San Francisco or New York? Good answers are simply not available. It apparently comes down to this: God chooses to use individuals in unique ways. Beyond that mysterious relationship, we must simply conclude that some kids seem born to make it and others are determined to fail. Someone reminded me recently that the same boiling water that softens the carrot also hardens the egg. Likewise, some individuals react positively to certain circumstances and others negatively. We don’t know why.     Two things are clear to me from this understanding. First, parents have been far too quick to take the credit or blame for the way their children turn out. Those with bright young superstars stick out their chests and say, “Look what we accomplished.” Those with twisted and irresponsible kids wonder, “Where did we go wrong?” Well, neither is entirely accurate. No one would deny that parents play an important role in the development and training of their children. But they are only part of the formula from which a young adult is assembled.
Second, behavioral scientists have been far too simplistic in their explanation of human behavior. We are more than the aggregate of our experiences. We are more than the quality of our nutrition. We are more than our genetic heritage. We are more than our biochemistry. And certainly, we are more than our parents’ influence. God has created us as unique individuals, capable of independent and rational thought that is not attributable to any source. That is what makes the task of parenting so challenging and rewarding. Just when you think you have your kids figured out, you had better brace yourself! Something new is coming your way.
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Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House.

COPYRIGHT 2010
JAMES DOBSON INC.

Focus on The Family: Single Mother

QUESTION: As a single mother, I’d like to leave my children with friends or relatives for a few days and get some time for myself, but I’m worried about how this might affect them. Will they feel deserted again?

DR. DOBSON: Not only is a brief time away from your children not likely to be hurtful — it will probably be healthy for them. One of the special risks faced by single parents is the possibility of a dependency relationship developing that will trap their children at an immature stage. This danger is increased when wounded people cling to each other exclusively for support in stressful times.
Spending a reasonable amount of time apart can teach independence and give everyone a little relief from the routine. Therefore, if you have a clean, safe place to leave your children for a week or two, by all means, do it. You’ll be more refreshed and better able to handle your usual “homework” when you return.
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Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House.