QUESTION: Tell me why some kids with every advantage and opportunity seem to turn out bad, while others raised in terrible homes become pillars in the community. I know one young man who grew up in squalid circumstances, yet he is such a fine person today. How did his parents manage to raise such a responsible son when they didn’t even seem to care?

DR. DOBSON: Neither heredity nor environment will account for all human behavior. There is something else there — something from within — that also operates to make us who we are. Some behavior is caused, and some plainly isn’t. Several years ago, for example, I had dinner with two parents who had unofficially “adopted” a thirteen-year-old boy. This youngster followed their son home one afternoon and asked if he could spend the night. As it turned out, he stayed with them for almost a week without so much as a phone call coming from his mother. It was later learned that she works sixteen hours a day and has no interest in her son. Her alcoholic husband divorced her several years ago and left town without a trace. The boy had been abused, unloved and ignored through much of his life.

Given this background, what kind of kid do you think he is today — a druggie? A foul-mouthed delinquent? A lazy, insolent bum? No. He is polite to adults; he is a hard worker; he makes good grades in school and enjoys helping around the house. This boy is like a lost puppy who desperately wants a good home. He begged the family to adopt him officially so he could have a real father and a loving mother. His own mom couldn’t care less. How could this teenager be so well-disciplined and polished despite his lack of training? I don’t know. It is simply within him. He reminds me of my wonderful friend David Hernandez. David and his parents came to America illegally from Mexico more than fifty years ago and nearly starved to death before they found work. They eventually survived by helping to harvest the potato crop throughout the state of California. During this era, David lived under trees or in the open fields. His father made a stove out of an oil drum half-filled with dirt. The open campfire was the centerpiece of their home. David never had a roof over his head until his parents finally moved into an abandoned chicken coop. His mother covered the boarded walls with cheap wallpaper, and David thought they were living in luxury. Then one day, the city of San Jose condemned the area, and David’s “house” was torn down. He couldn’t understand why the community would destroy so fine a place. We’ll talk more about David’s story next time.

QUESTION: I have very little time to spend with my children these days, but I make sure the hours we do get to spend together are meaningful. Do you agree that the quality of time you are with your kids is more important than the quantity?

DR. DOBSON: I’m afraid the logic of that concept is flawed to me. The question is: Why do we have to choose between the virtues of quantity versus quality? We won’t accept that forced choice in any other area of our lives. So why is it only relevant to our children? Let me illustrate my point. Let’s suppose you’ve looked forward all day to eating at one of the finest restaurants in town. The waiter brings you a menu, and you order the most expensive steak in the house. But when the meal arrives, you see a tiny piece of meat about oneinch square in the center of the plate. When you complain about the size of the steak, the waiter says, “Sir, I recognize that the portion is small, but that’s the finest corn-fed beef money can buy. You’ll never find a better bite of meat than we’ve served you tonight. As to the portion, I hope you understand that it’s not the quantity that matters, it’s the quality that counts.” You would object, and for good reason. Why? Because both quality and quantity are important in many areas of our lives, including how we relate to children. They need our time and the best we have to give them. My concern is that the quantity-versus-quality argument might be a poorly disguised rationalization for giving our children — neither. **

QUESTION: My wife and I have two very strong-willed kids who are hard to handle. They seem to need to test us, and they’re the happiest and most contented when we are the toughest on them. Why do they insist on making us growl at them and even punish them more than we’d like to?

DR. DOBSON: It is curious, isn’t it, that some children seem to enjoy fighting with their parents. It’s a function of the pugnacious temperament with which they are born. Many kids just like to run things and seem to enjoy picking fights. There is another factor that is related to a child’s sense of security. Let me illustrate it this way. Imagine you’re driving a car over the Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado, which is suspended hundreds of feet above the canyon floor. As a first-time traveler, you’re pretty tense as you drive across. It is a scary experience. I knew one little fellow who was so awed by the view over the side of the bridge that he said, “Wow, Daddy! If you fell off of here, it’d kill you constantly!” Now suppose there were no guardrails on the side of the bridge. Where would you steer the car? Right down the middle of the road. Even though you don’t plan to hit those protective railings along the side, you just feel more secure knowing that they’re there. It’s the same way with children. There is security in defined limits. They need to know precisely what the rules are and who’s available to enforce them. Whenever a strong-willed child senses that the boundaries may have moved, or that his or her parents may have lost their nerve, he or she will often precipitate a fight just to test the limits again. They may not admit that they want you to be the boss, but they breathe easier when you prove that you are. **

QUESTION:What do you think of the phrase “Children should be seen and not heard”?

DR. DOBSON: That statement reveals a profound ignorance of children and their needs. I can’t imagine how any loving adult could raise a vulnerable little boy or girl by that philosophy. Children are like clocks, they must be allowed to run! **

Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.focusonthefamily.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House. COPYRIGHT 2010 JAMES DOBSON INC.