Juarez violence has ended, undocumented people to receive amnesty

By Joe Olvera ©, 2011

In a sudden turn of events, the gangland shootings that kept Juarenses on the edge of their seats – not knowing whether they were going to wind up dead, or would survive for another day – have, for all practical purposes – stopped!

In a wave of patriotism, cartel members who had been so brutal in keeping Juarez, and the rest of Mexico under siege, have turned over a new leaf. Not to mention names, but one cartel leader after another has decided to give up his arms, with his troops following suit. Tears flowed from even the toughest cartel member, as he or she willingly turned in everything from AK-47s to the infamous “cuernos de chivo.”

Major General Dana Pittard, Fort Bliss Commander, said that the Battalion he had sent into Juarez may have made the difference. For once, Mexican President Felipe Calderon had agreed to forego the Mexican Constitution and to allow the U.S. military to assist in bringing the cartels under control. Mexican law forbade armies of any foreign nation to carry arms, or to interfere in what Calderon considered to be strictly a Mexican problem, one problem in which he once asserted that he didn’t need help.

But, when he finally realized that he indeed needed help, he moved quickly to quell the violence. U.S. President Barack Obama, seeing that his mission in Afghanistan was almost concluded successfully, mobilized more than 400,000 troops who had been fighting in that far-off land, and set them up in Mexico at strategic locations. “We were given the green-light to help quell the violence in Mexico,” Obama said. “So, we pulled our troops out of Afghanistan and assigned them to Juarez. Suddenly, the cartel members had found their conscience.”

One of the most notorious cartel leaders – el capo verde – said that it wasn’t the U.S. military presence that led him to surrender his arms and that of his men. “I suddenly realized that we had been causing much destruction and death in Mexico. This led me to the belief that if we continued our violent ways there wouldn’t be a Mexico left for us to control. I decided to leave Mexico to the politicians, and I will find another way to make a living. I’ve been eyeing a certain street corner to set up a shoe-shine stand.”

Part of the structure that led to cartel members laying down their arms is that they were losing their U.S. market for the illicit drugs. When the U.S. decided to legalize marijuana, the cartels lost more than half of their illegal earnings. What was left of cocaine and heroin consumption in the U.S. did not amount to much, since the United States government had also decided to consider people who were addicted to chemicals as physically ill, much like with alcoholics. To wean such persons from buying thief “fix” on the illicit markets, the government decided to offer small amounts for free, until individuals were using less and less of their preferred drug.

“I always knew that the U.S. had to control its consumption of Mexican drugs,” Calderon said. “Remember, you heard it from me first. But, the reality is that such drugs were a drain on both our societies, and we had to do something about it. But, we both had to work together to eliminate the scourge.”

Calderon, in a surprise move, said he also would free up millions of pesos to provide for the poor, especially the youth in providing what had been missing from their lives. He said the money would improve the educational system by allowing students to attend high school until the 12th grade, and he would provide scholarships and other financial assistance to those who wanted to attend colleges and universities.”

“Of course, we know that not every youngster is college-ready, so we are offering those students trade schools, or some other means of educating themselves so that they will no longer need to help people cross the border illegally. We are also improving the pay structure for police departments across the nation, raising the pay of our military personnel, across the board, and working to eliminate corruption. With the higher rates of pay, we should accomplish our goals.”

In other news, people who are in the United States illegally – millions of them from Mexico – received the best news of their lives, when it was reported that the U.S. Congress has finally agreed to pass a comprehensive immigration reform bill that, like the amnesty of 1986, will allow people to become legal residents. “The process must continue, and we must deal fairly with these people,” said Republican John Boehner, Speaker of the House. “It’s been a long-time coming, but, it’s finally here and we will do everything within our power to legalize our poor brothers and sisters.”

Wait, as you might surmise by now that the above is simply a joke: April Fool!!! I’m terrible, aren’t I? Although, truth be told, wouldn’t it be wonderful if this joke became reality? Who knows, it just might – some day!